I'm writing this down b/c I want to remember. I want to remember what happened and I want to remember the feelings of hope I used to have. If you know me, you've heard me blubber on about my future husband. No, it's not some guy I know, it's a guy I had dreams about. I'm actually not the desperate romantic I sometimes feel I make myself out to be. For 13yrs I didn't date at all. I wanted NOTHING to do with guys. Plenty of people tried to set me up with some but I refused. Every once in awhile I'd start talking to one and then just ghost him b/c I felt disgusted and annoyed with his presence.
Then one night I had a dream about my future husband. This one I actually don't remember that well, but I just know I met him and I was telling him that I couldn't believe how different my life had become since I met him.
Then I had more dreams about him.
That we were in a school, in the teachers lounge, making out in a recliner, having a good time. Then he reminded me that we were there for a reason and we needed to get to work. Apparently there was a girl stuck there and we had to find her and let her out of this school. The school was haunted and creepy, super dark. It was also shaped somewhat circular. Like the teachers lounge was at one end, then the hallways split, but met again at the exit. He said that we had to split up. I'll go one way and he'll go the other, but we'll meet at the exit. I go my way, looking for this girl. I try not to be scared but my flashlight stops working and suddenly it's dark and I'm surrounded by crazy spooky things. I start screaming for him to come help me, but he was right behind me the whole time, making sure I was okay. He gives me his flashlight to hold while we go through the rooms looking for her.I actually found her and tried to get her to leave. She said she liked being in the darkness, she's okay with it now, so please leave her there. I think I was sad and tried to get her to leave but she said she could any time she wanted to, nobody was forcing her to stay. So me and him left and I woke up.
To me this says that we'll meet but have to go our separate ways, but he'll still be looking out for me, IDK. I guess the relevancy of school is learning, so that might play a part in it.
I had another small dream that he took me to some techno-ish concert. Totally not my thing but I went b/c he liked it. The crowd was freaking me out but he grabbed my arm and pulled me up next to him and told me he'd keep me safe and to relax.
Then I had one where we were eating at the table. There were 3 kids. I was wiping off the twins and he was sweeping the floor behind the other kid, talking on the phone. He said "sorry, I don't have the money to invest right now" and for a moment I thought "OMG WE'RE POOR", but then remembered that he didn't like people knowing how much money he had b/c they were always asking him to invest in their projects. I put the kids in bed so he could finish his phone call, then I came back and he was gone. I looked in our bedroom and saw him on the bed, lying with his back turned to me. I instantly knew he was sad and feeling like he had no purpose and wasn't appreciated. I started to go to the bed but there was a girl on it. She looked like she was dead or a mannequin. I got really jealous for a minute and felt like I didn't belong there with him b/c he loves this other girl, but a voice told me she wasn't real and he needs me. I got into bed with him, spooned him and kissed his shoulders b/c I knew he felt really burdened. He looked like he was wearing a brown construction shirt, like he owned his own company. I was telling him all about how much he was appreciated and that we still had a life to live together. Then we had sex. It was weird b/c it felt super real. All of these dreams about him, have felt super real. Like even smelling him, although I've never seen his face. I know I go to his armpit and he was blonde hair b/c I saw the back of his head.
After that dream, I started praying for him a lot. I felt like God was telling me that he felt like his life had no purpose and didn't think anything good would come from it. So every day I started praying that he would find his purpose and be excited about the future, among other things.
I did have a dream that he was black, then he was hispanic. Like he changed. But the point of that is not his race, it's that he's not going to be like I thought he would be. I had a very narrow and specific view of what I wanted him to be like. We were just sitting there having breakfast. He was reading something and I felt so happy, safe, and at peace in his presence. I was thinking that I've never felt that way before. That was the whole dream.
Somewhere around that time I had a dream that we were fighting and he said "You know, I prayed for you too". *Shrug* I hope he is b/c I need it.
The final dream was after I was starting to question is these dreams meant anything. i asked God to give me validation that I'm not wasting my time with fantasies.
That night or the next, I dreamt that I was with him and then these big flashing letters appeared that said FEBRUARY 1 and had hearts coming off of them. Then it was like an information screen popped up that said February 1, then February 2. Something like that. I knew in my dream that it meant we would meet in February, but not be together until the 2nd February. That would make sense b/c I had the dream where we were separated at that school. I woke up the next day, got in my car, remembered the dream and my prayer, so I thanked God for answering it and hearing me. Then I started my car, pressed shuffle on my spotify playlist, and the song that played was "The Waiting" by Tom Petty. Which is probably the most relevant song in my whole spotify. (((The waiting is the hardest part. Every day you see one more card.You take it on faith, you take it to the heart. The waiting is the hardest part
Well yeah I might have chased a couple of women around, All it ever got me was down.
Yeah, then there were those that made me feel good, But never as good as I feel right now.
Baby you're the only one that's ever known how To make me want to live like I want to live now.))
Super relevant.
Basically...
I'll meet him in February but we'll have a separation.
He'll not be like how I thought he would be.
He struggles with understanding his purpose and that he'll have what he wants in his life, he feels a burden upon him.
I'll feel safe and peaceful around him.
He has terrible taste in music.
I go to his armpit.
He has blonde hair.
He prays for me.
He makes decent money and probably has some type of success at his job.
Something to do with construction, which would be an analogy for trying to build his life.
Apparently I'm going to do a lot of waiting for him.
I remember after those dreams I was SO excited. They were so powerful to me, that they made me end my 13yr man hating life and turned me into the crybaby I am today.
The idea of this man, gets me so excited about my life and idk why. I keep asking God to remind me but he already told me, so he doesn't need to.
For a bit, I thought T might be him. We met in February, had a break where we were depressed and trying to figure our shit out. Then he started talking to me again in February. He's blonde, I used to feel safe around him, I go to his armpit. He used to make a lot of money, he's trying to rebuild his life, he struggles with his purpose and carries a lot on his shoulders.
I don't really feel that way anymore.I just want to get out of that fantasy world and move on with my life. The fact that he doesn't love me or care for me, pretty much eliminates that idea.
When we stopped talking the first time, I actually had a lot of dreams about him. Also super vivid that I still clearly remember.
Mostly me cleaning his apartment, waiting for him to get back from the hospital.
Looking back on them and comparing them to things he told me happened while we weren't talking, and just hindsight in general, it freaks me out how relevant and even prophetic, those dreams were.
I think I was meant to meet him b/c that situation really changed me. I definitely changed what I thought I wanted, who I thought I was. He was a change agent in my life, so I'm grateful for that even though I feel super heartbroken.
I feel like there's a person out there for me. I used to feel a connection to him but I've lost it. I don't dream about him, I feel like I'm going to die soon. I've been angry at God that he would stir my heart for nothing. I'm mad that I'm heartbroken instead of having happiness with someone I love. I'm mad that my son doesn't have a father. I'm mad that I feel so inferior and unlovable. I'm just ready to get on with my life.
The elusive future husband
Mommyhood
Being a mom is probably the best thing about my life. I love Owen so much. I feel like I never actually loved at all until the day I held him and all these feelings came over me.
His father was just a fling and he's never really done anything except pay child support, so I've always been a single mother.
When he was a baby we lived in a tiny 1 bdrm apartment in downtown Bentonville. It had a dining area that I turned into a play area for him. He was actually an easy baby. Almost always happy, slept through the night, hit all his milestones early. When we went in for his 6wk checkup, he rolled over to his side to see who was in the room. The dr laughed and called it phenomenal. Shortly after, he started holding his head up and looking around. He's always been the one to try and engage everyone and get the attention, so to me that was Owen being Owen. Like he mustered up the strength just to be nosy.
I was so poor back then. I feel like I still am but nothing like that. I didn't even have a car, I was on housing, AND food stamps. It was a difficult situation b/c I had no daycare and no daycare=no job, but no job= no money for daycare. Thankfully I had family that could help me out. I also had bad post partum depression. Like all I wanted was to just be ok and enjoy this time of my life. Probably a hormonal thing and so many major life changes happening at once.
Since I didn't have a car, we would walk everywhere, usually with his stroller. Thankfully we lived downtown in a small town, so that wasn't a big deal. We would stop at the park on the way to the grocery store, look at all the flowers, find bugs. Owen would smile and wave at everybody. If people were talking, he would join in with his baby babble like he knew exactly what they were saying. I think he was so verbal b/c I talked to him a lot. I also taught him some sign language.
I tried to raise him to have an inquisitive nature and like to explore. He has too. We like learning, we like going into nature, we like just hanging out watching boring documentaries. He used to go on walks with his nature kit. It was his little backpack with a bug cage, a logbook, magnifying glass, etc.
A couple of years ago, Owen went through a difficult time and got into a lot of trouble. It's sometimes hard to remember that kids are entitled to feelings too. Kids hurt in ways we don't understand. We expect our kids to live to a higher standard than we give for ourselves, b/c we want better for them.
Things have definitely turned around and I'm so proud of him. I've always been proud of him. It breaks my heart that his dad is too selfish to know his own son.
Like how can this wonderful person exist on this planet and you not only don't want to know him,but you want to blame him for not repairing your relationship. Crybaby.
I feel like Owen will be okay. He knows who he is and he cares about himself. When he has problems, he wants to solve them...after a brief period of stubbornness. He wants to make his life better, he wants to be proud of himself. He's not a person who sits and sulks. He's not a person who lets people dictate his life, he's the leader in situations. He knows that he's capable and can make things happen. He's literally a genius. The only thing that will ever stand in his way, is his own self. Him putting fun first, him just assuming things will work out, his stubborn nature.
It's exciting to see your little one grow into their own person. I remember listening to his baby babble, trying to figure out exactly what he was trying to say. I couldn't wait for the day we could have a conversation and I could know what was on his mind. Now he tells me stuff all the time. We have long and serious conversations. Sometimes I wish he'd shut up. I'll definitely miss the noise once he leaves. The time goes by so fast.
Chances are I'll probably never have more kids. I'm okay with that. I'm tired. I can't go through all of that again. I would LOVE to get a do-over and live that all again, with what I know now.
I'd also love to have a baby with someone who wants me to. Who is excited about it and goes to the dr with me, buys baby stuff with me, that can't wait to be a dad. It's just not going to happen though. It's not meant to be for me.
Hopefully I'll stay alive long enough to see my grandkids. That will be a new adventure that maybe I'll experience with someone.
+++++++++
Best self.
Today in therapy we talked about my concept of "best self". This is something I often talk about, especially in regards to my vision board, but I think most people think its some kind of new age hippie nonsense.
It's just a concrete way of explaining an abstract concept. You know when you're on point, when you're working for your future, when you have a vision, and are taking care of yourself.
Btw, I did read "Best Self", which better articulates it, but I've been babbling about this for years before it came out.
Your "worst self", or "anti self" (the book calls it), is the you that's working against being your best self.
So when you're trashing your body, have no motivation at work, date toxic men, watch too much tv, you're being your anti self.
My best self is feisty, articulate, engaged, ambitious. I'm resourceful and I like to make things happen. I'm working with purpose and intention.
My anti self is lazy, carnal, makes excuses, drifts through life in lalaland. I'm a victim, I'm needy and clingy and want to be rescued.
That manifests through actions, like over eating, zoning out, starting fights, etc.
That's why it's important to have a routine that serves your best self. Even when you're just going through the motions, an established routine will help prevent backsliding into your destructive habits.
Talking about this made me realize a few things.
1. My anti self is basically a whiny preteen girl. That was also an age where many bad things happened to me, which conditioned my brain on how to deal with certain situations.
2. Something i knew but am finally understanding, is that I mimic my mom when I'm in that mindset. She was sometimes a frazzled dramatic mess. Never knew how she'd react,
3. I think in extremes. I can have something in between "best and worst".
Actually, losing my black and white thinking is a priority. I feel like this impacts all areas of life. I don't have a lot of balance in my thinking.
Another thing is compartmentalizing. Apparently this is a skill I've never mastered. I often feel like I'm being held hostage by my feelings.
Until I understand them or a situation, I cant do anything else.
I'm not sure if your best self is something you're actually supposed to believe you'll be. I think it's something you strive for, but accept that it's unlikely to happen. Like a guidepost. Or maybe some people actually are their best self.
It's okay to like yourself.
I feel like I'm a pretty resilient person, which is probably b/c I've always had to rely on my internal praise and support. I have more faith in myself than I do other people.
I've also been complimented a lot on my ability to adapt. I adapt to situations and I adapt to people. I can talk to someone and learn to mirror them fairly quickly. I can adapt my life to any circumstance, although I really don't want to. The last few years I've become really resistant to change. Ready for some stability and predictability.
I'm a genuinely nice person, which I think has become rare. I'd rather hurt myself than someone else. This has actually caused me a lot of problems b/c people take advantage of me and I've been so naive. People who don't try to hurt people, are not always good at seeing through people who do. My intuition is usually on point, but my heart wants what it wants. We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry.
On the flipside, my bad qualities involve a lack of ambition. Sometimes I drag my feet or I just decide I don't really want to do what I was trying to do.
So far that's all I've been able to pull out of my ass. Still feel like my bad qualities are so numerous.
T is the only person who, in recent history, has complimented me on things other than what I do for him. THEN he said things that completely broke my heart, so I don't really believe any nice thing he said. I hate that i let myself get so attached to him.
I'm going to focus on things that I know I can control and improve. I'm going to try and do things b/c I love myself and not to fill something empty inside of me or b/c I hate myself.
Earthships
I am completely enamored by Earthships. They sound so bizarre and look even more bizarre. Like something that would sustain life on some alien planet. They're actually called Earthships b/c they're completely dependent on the Earth. They're totally self sustainable. Plus, they're so weird looking.
The basics of an Earthship are: a back wall that has a layer of tires and is built onto the side of a hill, a front wall that is basically a long skinny greenhouse, airflow systems that derive temperature from the earth (hence being built partly underground), a grey water/rain water system, and solar panels. There's no HVAC, there's no electricity, there's no need to be connected to water.
Another notable feature of Earthships, are the use of recycled materials. Predominantly tires, which are super easy to get, cans, and glass bottles. There's also a mixture of cob that can be used to mold the house, so the bottles are used as fillers that reduce the need for materials. Instead of being utilitarian, people create designs out of them. They also help to bring in light.
An Earthship can supply year round food, with the greenhouse also acting as a temperature regulator between nature and main living areas. Since heat rises, most have some type of vent at the top that can be opened to release heat. They started in desert areas that didn't have the best soil for planting and temperatures that killed plants or had water restrictions due to drought. Earthships recycle collected rainwater, so no need for irrigation and no worries about drought. However, you can have one anywhere. There are even some in Canada, they just include a wood stove.
Usually exterior features are the most ornate. The inside of them can be, but tends to be more practical and simple.
A good example of how they're built into the Earth. This one probably is a lot deeper than it looks.
I don't think I'd ever commit to spending the money on one. They're also labor intensive and really not my style. I might change my mind in the future, like if I ever visited one or it was already built and I just needed to add my own touches to it. The idea of living off grid is SO appealing to me. It doesn't make any sense for me to pay monthly for electricity when the sun shines and the wind blows and the water flows. These are all great ways for a small household to get free renewable energy. Why should I pay for water when most of the planet is covered in it and it literally falls from the sky? Why should I subject myself to these corrupt banks, outrageous interest rates, inflated costs, going in debt for shit I don't need? Why am I paying for food that i can grow from the dirt?? Having to pay to live, month after month after month, makes me feel queasy. I just want to set up my own thing and live there. Of course there are things I will need from the store. I'm not going to kill my farm animals, I get way too attached. I'm not going to be able to grow every fruit and vegetable that I love and I still need chocolate, beer, and queso. The point is to live a life that isn't dependent on anyone or anything. To create a life that I own, where I don't have to worry about the economy or the job market or being 1 paycheck away from eviction. I want to save my money and continually build upon it, instead of throwing it away just to sustain myself. I'll work ft and save until I'm 50, then it's part time just to get me out of the house and socialized.
HOWEVER, I'm not going to just pat someone's head and tell them everything is okay b/c I don't want to hurt their feelings. That's not real love and care.We should be honest with each other, then come up with a solution. Solve our problems and move on. An INFJ will completely sacrifice and go through that misery with you, but they will NOT pacify you with lies.
Future house
Today in therapy we talked about figuring out what is a normal relationship and normal qualities to like about a man.
I've dabbled in this before so I have an idea.
The newest thing I've added to my list for the first time in my life, is kindness.
It's something I've never thought about before b/c I'm attracted to dominant guys. That's not usually a quality associated with them. However, I do like them b/c I associate dominance with competency. I feel like I can rely on him to take care of himself, AND take care of me, which is kind of kindness. All I have to do is what I'm told. I don't have to think, I don't have to worry about anything except keeping him pleased with me. If he's not pleased then he'll get mad, deal with it, and move on. No being passive aggressive, no sitting around wondering if he's mad or what to do. In my twisted mind, that's healthy communication.
Now I'm realizing that it's actually a trauma bond.
It's not healthy to live in constant fear of upsetting someone or to let him punish me. My partner shouldn't be my boss, we should have a partnership. If he's upset with me, we should discuss it. If he upsets me, I should be able to discuss it instead of bottling it up b/c I'm afraid he'll decide I'm not worth it and leave me.
Kindness is about treating people well. I can't expect someone to treat me well, if he treats other people like shit.
Not sure what else that looks like in a man.
I'm also working on re-framing other qualities I like.
I like dominant guys b/c they're competent, confident..often arrogant tbh...they're usually driven, competitive, assertive.
They also like being babied and I like babying. I'm a nurturer, I like taking care of people and supporting someone who is working toward something. I think it makes me feel like I'm working toward something too. Something we're doing together.
So what I really need to look for is someone who has a career, who isn't a procrastinator, who is ambitious but with a balance. Confident is okay, arrogant and can't admit when he's wrong, NOT okay.
Assertive just means that he doesn't let people push him around, he stands up for himself with me, he stands up for me to other people.
He should also care as much about my goals as I care about his. That's normal and healthy. It's not selfish for me to expect that. What I'm doing is not less important than what he's doing.What I want is just as important as what he wants.
Everything doesn't have to be to the extreme.
It's also okay to take care of someone, within reason. I can baby him, I can do sweet things for him, buy him a thoughtful gift. I'm not entirely sure how to gauge what's within the normal realm of care.
As a woman, I feel like I should be given gifts and treated with care and protection, without having to earn it first.
It's crazy to just assume I don't deserve that, but the fact that I've never had it makes me feel shitty about myself. Like what's so wrong with me that I can't have that?
Hopefully someday I'll have a normal healthy relationship where we love and support each other.
...ok
Part of what I liked about T, is that I felt like we didn't have a lot of preconceived notions about each other and were both trying to create a new path. We could just kind of make things how we wanted, together. Like a big lump of clay. I thought we could be our awkward imperfect selves, but that's just a fantasy. People don't actually allow you the space to be yourself.
Signs you're healing.
I hate the word "trigger". I know that's what it is, but I associate it with 60yr old conservative internet trolls who call everyone that disagrees with them, a triggered snowflake. I'm still learning mine bc I haven't been in every possible situation. I went years without a "traditional" job, I went years without dating, I haven't experienced every major life change, I've lived a lot of my life in a bubble. There are some I'm super aware of, basically none of them are avoidable:
Coffee in the morning(I rarely drink coffee.)
Alcohol on someone's breath.
Inconsistency, especially from men.
Certain phrases.
Major life changes.
Anything that makes me feel trapped, physically or situational. I need to always see a way out and I hate feeling like something is beyond my control.
After I moved to Austin, I went through a lot of depression. New city, new job, new apt, started seeing a couple of guys(I only really like one of them though), had some issues with my child, and a couple of other things I won't mention, no close friends here yet. I would get so damn depressed for like 4 days, totally overanalyze everything, come out with a plan, get no traction, doubt plan, get depressed. Over and over for months, the same loop. One day I just kind of cracked. I was so frustrated, I had gotten into a fight with someone I never wanted to fight with, my son had left for summer, all these financial burdens piled up at once, I thought I might get furloughed, I had some major decisions looming over me. It just felt like I had run out of possibilities, motivation, and purpose. No escape. All I did was cry, listen to sad music, watch sad movies. rage clean, and complain to God. My heart literally hurt for days. But I'm still proud of myself bc it was less severe and shorter than the last time I "cracked"(actually, a couple years atleast). I felt it coming and I kept pulling myself out, but one day I couldn't do it anymore. Shit happens, deal and move on. So here I am, moved on. I just hope next time...bc there will probably be a next time...its even less than this time.
As of now, I feel great. I feel like I'm on track, I know what I'm doing, I have a plan and a purpose, I feel totally capable of doing it.
Healing(another word I dislike) has an ebb and flow. It's not easy to undo decades of broken thinking.
It's even harder when you're trying to do it on your own.
For many people, including myself, it's a hell of a lot easier to punish and criticize yourself rather than acknowledge the positive.
Welcome back, self.
I decided to start a blog instead of constantly updating my instagram. Kind of had to laugh about the stuff I put on here before.I was trying so hard to be this cliche super mom but I had no idea what I was doing! Now I have more of an idea of what to do, but I don't want to. I think it's common to look back at your past and kind of have a sense of embarrassment, but pride in how far you've come.
Here's what has been up the last few years...
-went to college for political science and nonprofits.
-I work for the government so I'm still poor.
-Still single.
-Moved to Chapel Hill...
-Moved to Charlotte...
-Moved to Kansas...
-Moved back to Arkansas...
-Decided I STILL hate Arkansas, moved to Austin, TX. Honestly, not a big Austin fan, but I'm not moving again unless it's back to Chapel Hill, NC.
- lost weight, gained weight, lost weight...still losing it.
-Found out I have complex PTSD, been working on that.
dress form
The first link is for actually making the dress form.
I like this one this best b/c it includes the shoulders and thighs,both of which are a little tricky in altering clothes(definitely don't want to end up with camel toe!).
http://offbeatbride.com/2010/11/duct-tape-dress-form
This is a link for a paper tape dress form. It looks like paper mache and would probably hold up better than it,but for utility purposes I would stick with duct tape.
http://www.threadsmagazine.com/item/3633/paper-tape-dress-form
This magazine also has an epic tutorial for putting your form on a stand and for the actual stand. If you find it too complicated,there is a simpler way. http://www.threadsmagazine.com/item/3665/molded-papier-mch-form
For a more simple dress form stand,find an old floor lamp. Most come in sections that you have to screw together. Just don't put the part on that contains the light,slide the dress form on top of it. If you aleady closed it up you can make a small hole,otherwise you can tape it up AFTER you slide it on. You will likely have to put something under the dress form to act as a "nut" and keep it from sliding down the pole. No matter what it is,use epoxy or hot glue to secure it and you should be set.
Halloween at the last minute.
I often end up waiting until the last minute to celebrate holidays. At first I couldn't wait to start making wreaths and get out the tree. I even considered getting a white christmas tree that I could decorate for Halloween,Thanksgiving,then Christmas.After awhile I got tired of hearing "IS IT CHRISTMAS? CAN WE GO TRICK OR TREATING? CAN I OPEN A PRESENT?",so now I wait... If you do too(for whatever reason),here's a roundup of good links for costume and craft ideas.
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The first link is for adults. Some are pretty lame but most of them you can probably throw together in an hr or less.What I've learned from crafting.
I love events,birthdays,first days of school,baking. I love making banners and planning parties. I AM that mom who spends hrs making her kid's Valentine box, who sews her pillows and obsessively decorates her kid's room. THAT'S ME! Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time but what bothers me is when others think I'm wasting my time. Why not just go to the store? Do you really think your kid cares? Or when other moms think I'm trying to show off or one up them. Every week I read some new article about how it's ok to not be "that mom",which I apparently am "that mom" enough to feel slightly offended. I do what I do b/c I like doing it. I need to create things for no reason other than its my desire. And I don't feel like it's a waste of time,I actually feel like I've learned a few things from crafting(baking,painting,sewing,etc). Here are a few things I'd like to share.
1. Nothing is as easy as it looks,even if you follow directions you can still mess it up.
If this doesn't apply to everything in life,I don't know what does. This is why I have so much patience with people,even people without kids who think they know how everyone should raise theirs. Whether it's raising kids,putting together something from Ikea,or icing a cake. You're probably going to screw it up.
2.Being patient is better than being fast.
Nothing will ruin your project faster than YOU! Sometimes you just have to let the paint dry, put your sewing away for the next day, suffer through the shitty job to get the one you want, lose the weight the "right way".
3.To not get discouraged if someone can do something better than me.
I look at the things some people do and think "WOW,I could never do that,some people are just gifted"(like maintaining a blog..). But it's true that every expert was once a beginner. Let that process through your mind for a minute. The greatest pianist in the world was once a little kid who couldn't even play a chord. The person who wrote the best selling book of all time,once didn't even know how to write. What do you wish you could do that you think you're too old for or not smart enough to figure out? I remember when I first started sewing and immediately tried to do a shirt but felt like throwing myself off a cliff when it came to the sleeves. Now I can do sleeves with ease and that makes me feel confident about learning other things.
4.Make sure I have the supplies before I start.
The last one may not seem like it applies to life but think about it. We have to make sure we make enough money before we buy a house or car,that before winter comes we have coats/hats/gloves for the kids,or enough gas in the car to get wherever we need to go.
5. Sometimes you need to get up from the table and walk away.
Working through frustration isn't always the answer. You have to know when to go,clear your mind,and come back with a new attitude. This is especially applicable to life. I used to be a preschool teacher with 2 and 3 yr olds and something any preschool teacher will tell you is that kids act crazy when you're having a bad day. It's not a coincidence that these two events are occurring together, somehow children convert your frustration into their own endless energy. Doing something as simple as bringing a sub in while you take a 10min break,completely changes the atmosphere and course of the day. When I became a single parent this piece of knowledge helped me in those moments when all I wanted to do was scream. A break was better for me AND for him. When I am doing homework and get stuck,I just take a break and come back with so many ideas. When I'm not sure what direction to take in life,I get away from everything and come back with answers. BREAKS ARE GREAT!
6. You can make awesome things out of junk.
I have to admit,I get a little thrill from taking something ugly and making it beautiful. I actually believe this is the theme of my life;to give new life to the discarded. Whether it's a dresser or a person or an idea. That is probably why I chose to major in Social Work. Not only have I learned to find the beauty but I learned to see that things aren't always best used for their intended purposes. I've always been under the impression that I couldn't help people unless I had a lot of money,however I had a lightbulb moment after meeting a woman at a flea market. She told me that even though she never had a lot of money,she had always wanted to do mission trips. Due to kids,money,age,health,she never found herself able to go. She could,however,knit like a boss. She turned her hobby into a mission by knitting gloves,socks,and hats and donating them to kids in need. Instead of being upset about what she was unable to do,she found a use for what she could do.
Crafting has,for the most part, been therapeutic for me. Like most parents I've felt like the world is on my shoulders. Like I'm not Crystal but just mommy. That's fine,I love being mommy. But I maintain that it's bad for your child to lose yourself as a person. All my crafting has been that thing in my life that's for Crystal. Yes,I get to make things for my son and for our home but it's not out of day to day obligations. If I spend hours making my child a minecraft cake,it's not b/c I want to impress him or compete with someone, It's b/c Crystal likes doing it! I'm not the best,I can't do everything I would like to do, but everything I do makes me better and better and soon I can do the things I didn't think I could do...and yes,if I work hard on something I will probably put it on facebook or send a pic to my friend. It's just like when someone's kid graduates or you pass college algebra. Have fun creating! <3
Crystal
cheap apartment living room
