The elusive future husband

       I'm writing this down b/c I want to remember. I want to remember what happened and I want to remember the feelings of hope I used to have. If you know me, you've heard me blubber on about my future husband. No, it's not some guy I know, it's a guy I had dreams about. I'm actually not the desperate romantic I sometimes feel I make myself out to be. For 13yrs I didn't date at all. I wanted NOTHING to do with guys. Plenty of people tried to set me up with some but I refused. Every once in awhile I'd start talking to one and then just ghost him b/c I felt disgusted and annoyed with his presence. 
Then one night I had a dream about my future husband. This one I actually don't remember that well, but I just know I met him and I was telling him that I couldn't believe how different my life had become since I met him. 
Then I had more dreams about him. 
That we were in a school, in the teachers lounge, making out in a recliner, having a good time. Then he reminded me that we were there for a reason and we needed to get to work. Apparently there was a girl stuck there and we had to find her and let her out of this school. The school was haunted and creepy, super dark. It was also shaped somewhat circular. Like the teachers lounge was at one end, then the hallways split, but met again at the exit. He said that we had to split up. I'll go one way and he'll go the other, but we'll meet at the exit. I go my way, looking for this girl. I try not to be scared but my flashlight stops working and suddenly it's dark and I'm surrounded by crazy spooky things. I start screaming for him to come help me, but he was right behind me the whole time, making sure I was okay. He gives me his flashlight to hold while we go through the rooms looking for her.I actually found her and tried to get her to leave. She said she liked being in the darkness, she's okay with it now, so please leave her there. I think I was sad and tried to get her to leave but she said she could any time she wanted to, nobody was forcing her to stay. So me and him left and I woke up. 
To me this says that we'll meet but have to go our separate ways, but he'll still be looking out for me, IDK. I guess the relevancy of school is learning, so that might play a part in it. 
I had another small dream that he took me to some techno-ish concert. Totally not my thing but I went b/c he liked it. The crowd was freaking me out but he grabbed my arm and pulled me up next to him and told me he'd keep me safe and to relax. 
Then I had one where we were eating at the table. There were 3 kids. I was wiping off the twins and he was sweeping the floor behind the other kid, talking on the phone. He said "sorry, I don't have the money to invest right now" and for a moment I thought "OMG WE'RE POOR", but then remembered that he didn't like people knowing how much money he had b/c they were always asking him to invest in their projects. I put the kids in bed so he could finish his phone call, then I came back and he was gone. I looked in our bedroom and saw him on the bed, lying with his back turned to me. I instantly knew he was sad and feeling like he had no purpose and wasn't appreciated. I started to go to the bed but there was a girl on it. She looked like she was dead or a mannequin. I got really jealous for a minute and felt like I didn't belong there with him b/c he loves this other girl, but a voice told me she wasn't real and he needs me. I got into bed with him, spooned him and kissed his shoulders b/c I knew he felt really burdened. He looked like he was wearing a brown construction shirt, like he owned his own company. I was telling him all about how much he was appreciated and that we still had a life to live together. Then we had sex. It was weird b/c it felt super real. All of these dreams about him, have felt super real. Like even smelling him, although I've never seen his face. I know I go to his armpit and he was blonde hair b/c I saw the back of his head.
After that dream, I started praying for him a lot. I felt like God was telling me that he felt like his life had no purpose and didn't think anything good would come from it. So every day I started praying that he would find his purpose and be excited about the future, among other things. 
I did have a dream that he was black, then he was hispanic. Like he changed. But the point of that is not his race, it's that he's not going to be like I thought he would be. I had a very narrow and specific view of what I wanted him to be like. We were just sitting there having breakfast. He was reading something and I felt so happy, safe, and at peace in his presence. I was thinking that I've never felt that way before. That was the whole dream.
Somewhere around that time I had a dream that we were fighting and he said "You know, I prayed for you too". *Shrug* I hope he is b/c I need it. 
The final dream was after I was starting to question is these dreams meant anything. i asked God to give me validation that I'm not wasting my time with fantasies. 
That night or the next, I dreamt that I was with him and then these big flashing letters appeared that said FEBRUARY 1 and had hearts coming off of them. Then it was like an information screen popped up that said February 1, then February 2. Something like that. I knew in my dream that it meant we would meet in February, but not be together until the 2nd February. That would make sense b/c I had the dream where we were separated at that school. I woke up the next day, got in my car, remembered the dream and my prayer, so I thanked God for answering it and hearing me. Then I started my car, pressed shuffle on my spotify playlist, and the song that played was "The Waiting" by Tom Petty. Which is probably the most relevant song in my whole spotify. (((The waiting is the hardest part. Every day you see one more card.You take it on faith, you take it to the heart. The waiting is the hardest part
Well yeah I might have chased a couple of women around, All it ever got me was down.
Yeah, then there were those that made me feel good, But never as good as I feel right now.
Baby you're the only one that's ever known how To make me want to live like I want to live now.))
Super relevant.
Basically...
I'll meet him in February but we'll have a separation. 
He'll not be like how I thought he would be. 
He struggles with understanding his purpose and that he'll have what he wants in his life, he feels a burden upon him. 
I'll feel safe and peaceful around him. 
He has terrible taste in music. 
I go to his armpit.
He has blonde hair.
He prays for me. 
He makes decent money and probably has some type of success at his job.
Something to do with construction, which would be an analogy for trying to build his life. 
Apparently I'm going to do a lot of waiting for him. 
I remember after those dreams I was SO excited. They were so powerful to me, that they made me end my 13yr man hating life and turned me into the crybaby I am today. 
The idea of this man, gets me so excited about my life and idk why. I keep asking God to remind me but he already told me, so he doesn't need to. 
For a bit, I thought T might be him. We met in February, had a break where we were depressed and trying to figure our shit out. Then he started talking to me again in February. He's blonde, I used to feel safe around him, I go to his armpit. He used to make a lot of money, he's trying to rebuild his life, he struggles with his purpose and carries a lot on his shoulders. 
I don't really feel that way anymore.I just want to get out of that fantasy world and move on with my life. The fact that he doesn't love me or care for me, pretty much eliminates that idea. 
When we stopped talking the first time, I actually had a lot of dreams about him. Also super vivid that I still clearly remember.
Mostly me cleaning his apartment, waiting for him to get back from the hospital. 
Looking back on them and comparing them to things he told me happened while we weren't talking, and just hindsight in general, it freaks me out how relevant and even prophetic, those dreams were. 
I think I was meant to meet him b/c that situation really changed me. I definitely changed what I thought I wanted, who I thought I was. He was a change agent in my life, so I'm grateful for that even though I feel super heartbroken. 
I feel like there's a person out there for me. I used to feel a connection to him but I've lost it. I don't dream about him, I feel like I'm going to die soon. I've been angry at God that he would stir my heart for nothing. I'm mad that I'm heartbroken instead of having happiness with someone I love. I'm mad that my son doesn't have a father. I'm mad that I feel so inferior and unlovable. I'm just ready to get on with my life.