Being a mom is probably the best thing about my life. I love Owen so much. I feel like I never actually loved at all until the day I held him and all these feelings came over me.
His father was just a fling and he's never really done anything except pay child support, so I've always been a single mother.
When he was a baby we lived in a tiny 1 bdrm apartment in downtown Bentonville. It had a dining area that I turned into a play area for him. He was actually an easy baby. Almost always happy, slept through the night, hit all his milestones early. When we went in for his 6wk checkup, he rolled over to his side to see who was in the room. The dr laughed and called it phenomenal. Shortly after, he started holding his head up and looking around. He's always been the one to try and engage everyone and get the attention, so to me that was Owen being Owen. Like he mustered up the strength just to be nosy.
I was so poor back then. I feel like I still am but nothing like that. I didn't even have a car, I was on housing, AND food stamps. It was a difficult situation b/c I had no daycare and no daycare=no job, but no job= no money for daycare. Thankfully I had family that could help me out. I also had bad post partum depression. Like all I wanted was to just be ok and enjoy this time of my life. Probably a hormonal thing and so many major life changes happening at once.
Since I didn't have a car, we would walk everywhere, usually with his stroller. Thankfully we lived downtown in a small town, so that wasn't a big deal. We would stop at the park on the way to the grocery store, look at all the flowers, find bugs. Owen would smile and wave at everybody. If people were talking, he would join in with his baby babble like he knew exactly what they were saying. I think he was so verbal b/c I talked to him a lot. I also taught him some sign language.
I tried to raise him to have an inquisitive nature and like to explore. He has too. We like learning, we like going into nature, we like just hanging out watching boring documentaries. He used to go on walks with his nature kit. It was his little backpack with a bug cage, a logbook, magnifying glass, etc.
A couple of years ago, Owen went through a difficult time and got into a lot of trouble. It's sometimes hard to remember that kids are entitled to feelings too. Kids hurt in ways we don't understand. We expect our kids to live to a higher standard than we give for ourselves, b/c we want better for them.
Things have definitely turned around and I'm so proud of him. I've always been proud of him. It breaks my heart that his dad is too selfish to know his own son.
Like how can this wonderful person exist on this planet and you not only don't want to know him,but you want to blame him for not repairing your relationship. Crybaby.
I feel like Owen will be okay. He knows who he is and he cares about himself. When he has problems, he wants to solve them...after a brief period of stubbornness. He wants to make his life better, he wants to be proud of himself. He's not a person who sits and sulks. He's not a person who lets people dictate his life, he's the leader in situations. He knows that he's capable and can make things happen. He's literally a genius. The only thing that will ever stand in his way, is his own self. Him putting fun first, him just assuming things will work out, his stubborn nature.
It's exciting to see your little one grow into their own person. I remember listening to his baby babble, trying to figure out exactly what he was trying to say. I couldn't wait for the day we could have a conversation and I could know what was on his mind. Now he tells me stuff all the time. We have long and serious conversations. Sometimes I wish he'd shut up. I'll definitely miss the noise once he leaves. The time goes by so fast.
Chances are I'll probably never have more kids. I'm okay with that. I'm tired. I can't go through all of that again. I would LOVE to get a do-over and live that all again, with what I know now.
I'd also love to have a baby with someone who wants me to. Who is excited about it and goes to the dr with me, buys baby stuff with me, that can't wait to be a dad. It's just not going to happen though. It's not meant to be for me.
Hopefully I'll stay alive long enough to see my grandkids. That will be a new adventure that maybe I'll experience with someone.
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