Signs you're healing.

Love this!
I hate the word "trigger". I know that's what it is, but I associate it with 60yr old conservative internet trolls who call everyone that disagrees with them, a triggered snowflake. I'm still learning mine bc I haven't been in every possible situation. I went years without a "traditional" job, I went years without dating, I haven't experienced every major life change, I've lived a lot of my life in a bubble. There are some I'm super aware of, basically none of them are avoidable:
Coffee in the morning(I rarely drink coffee.)
Alcohol on someone's breath.
Inconsistency, especially from men.
Certain phrases.
Major life changes.
Anything that makes me feel trapped, physically or situational. I need to always see a way out and I hate feeling like something is beyond my control.
After I moved to Austin, I went through a lot of depression. New city, new job, new apt, started seeing a couple of guys(I only really like one of them though), had some issues with my child, and a couple of other things I won't mention, no close friends here yet. I would get so damn depressed for like 4 days, totally overanalyze everything, come out with a plan, get no traction, doubt plan, get depressed. Over and over for months, the same loop. One day I just kind of cracked. I was so frustrated, I had gotten into a fight with someone I never wanted to fight with, my son had left for summer, all these financial burdens piled up at once, I thought I might get furloughed, I had some major decisions looming over me. It just felt like I had run out of possibilities, motivation, and purpose. No escape. All I did was cry, listen to sad music, watch sad movies. rage clean, and complain to God. My heart literally hurt for days. But I'm still proud of myself bc it was less severe and shorter than the last time I "cracked"(actually, a couple years atleast). I felt it coming and I kept pulling myself out, but one day I couldn't do it anymore. Shit happens, deal and move on. So here I am, moved on. I just hope next time...bc there will probably be a next time...its even less than this time.
As of now, I feel great. I feel like I'm on track, I know what I'm doing, I have a plan and a purpose, I feel totally capable of doing it.
Healing(another word I dislike) has an ebb and flow. It's not easy to undo decades of broken thinking.
It's even harder when you're trying to do it on your own.
For many people, including myself, it's a hell of a lot easier to punish and criticize yourself rather than acknowledge the positive.

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