...ok

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been diagnosed with PTSD. It's actually Complex PTSD, but that's not in the DSM as an official diagnosis, it's more like a type of PTSD. 

Basically, it's PTSD but from years which you were in a situation that was out of your control, often originating in childhood. Example; prolonged neglect, any type of abuse, being held hostage, being in an abusive relationship. It's not just about bad things happening and you can't get over it. It's about these things happening to you during a time when you're developing your sense of self. When you're learning how to function in the world, how to deal with other people. 

As a child you learn that your needs will be met, you're valuable, you're loved, you have a safe place to make mistakes and learn. Not everyone has that. Not everyone develops self-esteem. If you're 30 and something bad happens to you, you at least have a sense of self that you can fall back on, even though trauma can shatter that. If this stuff happens to you during your formative years, you do NOT have a "normal" sense of self. Your normal IS chaos or painful. You're existing in the world feeling like an outsider or an inferior person. 

This I have struggled with and I didn't even know it until I started to get insight into my life. I just kind of realized that I really feel like I don't belong in this world.

Part of my therapy is journaling. 

It's not really about writing down my feelings, it's just about extroverting what rolls around in my head; emotional, intellectual, and other key things in my life. 

Also to check my progress and frankly, i'm not that great at remembering things that have happened. 

I write a lot of stuff down b/c if I don't, it's out of my head. 

Right now I'm going on a "social sabbatical" and not talking to anyone but my therapist..and my son of course. 

I'm basically dealing with things that I'm not sure how to process, so I don't want other people trying to influence me. 

People will always see you though the lens of who they think you are and of how you fit into their life.

Very rarely will you meet someone who genuinely wants YOU to put your own needs first. We have a tendency to treat others as if they're an appendage of ourselves instead of an autonomous individual. 

It's not about what you want or what's best for you, it's about how it impacts them and what they think about it. This isn't always a conscious thing, it's just human nature. Nobody is truly selfless.

However, I think some of this is done out of pure disrespect. 

For example; people continually tell me to move back to Arkansas, a place that I simply don't want to be. 

They think I'm being selfish or pouty or tell me it will be cheaper, whatever. Those are all BS reasons that show me they don't respect my decisions. I have a place I like, I have a job with a career track to something I like that will pay good, I have plans here, things that I'm working on. Why on God's green earth would I MOVE when I have traction? To podunk Arkansas, to work for Walmart, live in a cheaper place but make less money? 

I like Austin. I like my future here. I'm excited about it. 

So when I go to someone and tell them a conundrum I have, they're not interested in helping me fix it, they're interested in undermining and dismissing the plans and progress I've made, b/c it's more convenient for them, or they're incapable of understanding another person's life. 
Part of what I liked about T, is that I felt like we didn't have a lot of preconceived notions about each other and were both trying to create a new path. We could just kind of make things how we wanted, together. Like a big lump of clay. I thought we could be our awkward imperfect selves, but that's just a fantasy. People don't actually allow you the space to be yourself. 

If you want to be your authentic self, learn to make your voice the loudest one in your head. 

I'm also working on creating healthy habits and a good routine. 

This isn't new, I've been working on it for awhile but there's always room to improve. 

I'm reading a couple of books, and just trying to change my mindset. 

I never want to feel this way again.