Today in therapy we talked about figuring out what is a normal relationship and normal qualities to like about a man. 

I've dabbled in this before so I have an idea. 

The newest thing I've added to my list for the first time in my life, is kindness. 

It's something I've never thought about before b/c I'm attracted to dominant guys. That's not usually a quality associated with them. However, I do like them b/c I associate dominance with competency. I feel like I can rely on him to take care of himself, AND take care of me, which is kind of kindness. All I have to do is what I'm told. I don't have to think, I don't have to worry about anything except keeping him pleased with me. If he's not pleased then he'll get mad, deal with it, and move on. No being passive aggressive, no sitting around wondering if he's mad or what to do. In my twisted mind, that's healthy communication. 

Now I'm realizing that it's actually a trauma bond. 

It's not healthy to live in constant fear of upsetting someone or to let him punish me. My partner shouldn't be my boss, we should have a partnership. If he's upset with me, we should discuss it. If he upsets me, I should be able to discuss it instead of bottling it up b/c I'm afraid he'll decide I'm not worth it and leave me. 

Kindness is about treating people well. I can't expect someone to treat me well, if he treats other people like shit. 

Not sure what else that looks like in a man. 

I'm also working on re-framing other qualities I like. 

I like dominant guys b/c they're competent, confident..often arrogant tbh...they're usually driven, competitive, assertive. 

They also like being babied and I like babying. I'm a nurturer, I like taking care of people and supporting someone who is working toward something. I think it makes me feel like I'm working toward something too. Something we're doing together. 

So what I really need to look for is someone who has a career, who isn't a procrastinator, who is ambitious but with a balance. Confident is okay, arrogant and can't admit when he's wrong, NOT okay. 

Assertive just means that he doesn't let people push him around, he stands up for himself with me, he stands up for me to other people. 

He should also care as much about my goals as I care about his. That's normal and healthy. It's not selfish for me to expect that. What I'm doing is not less important than what he's doing.What I want is just as important as what he wants. 

Everything doesn't have to be to the extreme. 

It's also okay to take care of someone, within reason. I can baby him, I can do sweet things for him, buy him a thoughtful gift. I'm not entirely sure how to gauge what's within the normal realm of care. 

As a woman, I feel like I should be given gifts and treated with care and protection, without having to earn it first. 

It's crazy to just assume I don't deserve that, but the fact that I've never had it makes me feel shitty about myself. Like what's so wrong with me that I can't have that? 

Hopefully someday I'll have a normal healthy relationship where we love and support each other.